Save the Writer!
by Der Blaue Wolf
Summary: When the story's writer is kidnapped by nefarious Yaoi fangirls, Miku and co. set out to save him before all of his stories are corrupted into yaoi and Kaito has to *censored* Len. Madness and hilarity ensue, of course. A parody of all things FanFiction, on the internet, and of stories in general. Rewrite of part 1 of the 'Adventures of the Writer.'
1. Genesis

Genesis of the (Re)Writer!

_In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was with the Writer, and the Word was the Writer. The same was in the beginning with the Writer._

_Well... kinda..._

_In the beginning, there were five bored guys at school. One of them decided to go and try (unsuccessfully) to get laid. The other four decided to create a world, as you do in between science lessons and discussing the realism of rpg physics._

_On the first day, Lumi created the poles, and the axis of rotation. Upon the North pole, he placed MIH: the department of Military Intelligence: Hentai and upon the South he placed MII: the department of Military Intelligence: Innocence. As such, the world would always revolve around innocence and depravity. Lumi saw the axis, that it was good. He settled himself in the North pole, and so it came to pass that Hentai was his domain._

_On the second day, Misty created earth around the axis, and then got bored and decided he'd continue the next day._

_On the third day, Misty created the weather, and it rained, forming the oceans and the rivers, and the distinctive weathering patterns and some other random geographical shit that only geologists actually give a damn about._

_On the fourth day the extreme humidity had created mist, and Misty took this as his own. And he became the Mist, and the Mist became him._

_On the fifth day, Wolfie created the plants, and the animals. However, realising that humanity would be a full day's work, decided to leave it for the next day._

_On the sixth day, Wolfie created the humans of this world, and the Vocaloids, and all other humanoid beings that would inhabit the world. Then he came to them, and walked among them._

_On the seventh day, Chewy came to the Writer's World, and finding it complete already, began documenting its existence. And so he went among the people, to ask them various probing questions and to discover every detail about the world._

_Then, upon the eighth day, the four came together once again, and spoke of who should rule._

_Lumi stated that the whole world literally rotated around his creation, and could not exist without it._

_Misty argued that it was his weather that brought the greatest variety to the world, that truly shaped it, that formed it from the rough shape they had all hewn._

_Chewy explained that he had documented the most about the world, and thus was most suited to write about it._

_And Wolfie listened in silence to each of them, looking deeply interested in what they had to say, but once Chewy finished, he stepped forward and made one simple statement:_

Wolfie: "Yes, but I have the laptop."

_And so it came to pass that Wolfie was the Writer. And the Writer was Wolfie. That's obvious, I mean, if A=B, then B=A._

_Many were the adventures of the Writer, with his friends, his waifu, his acquaintances and Kaito._

_But herein is not written one of those adventures, but an adventure in which the Writer played little part, a tale of his beloved waifu doing her all to save him._

_This is that tale the tale of how to Save the Writer._

Bis Bald

BW


	2. Ch1

A/N: Yes, yes I did. I couldn't keep it down. Here is the redone version of Save the Writer. I hope you enjoy, whether you're an old fan returning, or a newcomer to my work, looking for something funny.

Just a few forenotes, to those who don't know is the rewrite of part 1 of 'Adventures of the Writer,' now with less offensiveness (slightly) and more humour (kinda). There are just a few things I want to go over, before I get the same comments as last time:

First, to any and all yaoi fangirls out there, please, try to have a sense of humour. Last time, I had at least one of your number who couldn't take a joke, and decided that I must hate every single one of you. For the record, I don't, I just find you scary in large groups, when squeeing over some pairing or other.

Second is just a clarification. In the previous version, I randomly swapped between referring to Miku's character item as Leeks, Spring Onions and Negi. Due to the translation confusion, I'm just going to call them 'Negi.'

Disclaimer: Wolfie-sama/Der Blaue Wolf/Satoru Klein does not own Vocaloid or any associated songs, Yaoi (of any type), Fangirls (again, of any type), D&D, Yuri, 4chan, Hentai or any associated websites/literature/etc, Japan, Mist, Light, Star Wars, the Internet, Ninjas, Keys (well, not _all _keys), Trolling, Plot Holes (other than his own), Megaphones, Len (Rin owns him), Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged series, PRIMARCHS, Order of the Stick, Dragon Ball, League of Legends, Warhammer 40k, Leeks, Toys of an adult nature, Steamrollers, Monty Python, 'This is Why,' Acidity, Continuity, Tales of Symphonia, Batman (or a BAT CREDIT CARD), Self-Destruction Mechanisms, Spaceships or any Sanity. All of the above belong to the appropriate parties. The characters Misty, Lumi and Chewy are each representative of a real-live person, who has permitted their character to be tortured by Wolfie, and their characters are not fully representative of themselves. Any other similarities between real-life persons or groups and those that appear in this story are most likely fully intentional, but are parodies, naturally, and therefore, please don't sue me.

Adventures of the (Re)Writer

Save the Writer, Ch1

_Somewhere in the depths of fanfiction, just past the gates to crack-land, Miku Hatsune was, for some insufficiently explained plot reason, waiting._

Miku: "It's not really insufficiently explained: I'm a meta-sentient being, I'm here because the plot dictates that I am."

_And why does the plot dictate that you are?_

Miku: "Because I have to wait for my friends... and for Kaito... to show up."

_Ah yes, Kaito's coming today isn't he? Well then I'll have some fun torturing him._

Miku: "I don't think the Kaito torture is gaining you any popularity you know."

_Screw the popularity, I have League of Legends!_

Miku: "Yeah... remind me who your favourite support is?"

_Well, that'd be Sona of course._

Miku: "Yeah... I wonder why..."

_Anyway, as I was saying, Miku was waiting. She was however, not left waiting for very long, as she soon saw waving pink hair running towards her. Said hair was on the scalp of a certain Luka Megurine._

Luka: "Hi Miku!"

Miku: "Hey Luka, what took you so long?"

Luka: "Narrative convenience."

Miku: "Ah, Wolfie strikes again I see."

_I'm typing, not striking dammit!_

Miku: "That's the same thing for you." _Seeing two figures with blond hair running towards them, _"Ah, here come the twins."

Len & Rin: "Sorry we're late!"

Len: "Rin took ages getting ready."

Rin: "Len was eating a banana."

_Len and Rin stare at each other, with confused looks on their faces._

Miku: "Let's be honest, we all know you were having sex, weren't you? And if anybody was 'eating a banana,' it was you Rin!"

Len: "We~ll..."

Rin: "...You could say that."

Luka: "In other words: 'yes.'"

Voice from behind them: "My dearest princess Miku, I'm so terribly sorry I'm late!"

Miku: "Oh great, here he comes."

Kaito: _Running up to the assembled group _"My sweet princess, yes 'tis I, your humble servant."

Miku: "Why did we invite him again?"

Wolfie, the Writer and Miku's Husubandu: _Appearing out of nowhere, _"Because spoilers."

_For the record, if you were expecting any other pairing for Miku, you can leave now, because my awesome, amazing, godly Author Avatar, who is totally not a Marty Stu, is the only one allowed to date Miku, you got that? [/sarcasm]_

Miku: "Wolfie? When did you turn up?"

Wolfie: "Miku dear, I have been narrating since the start, I've been here the whole time."

Miku: "Then how come I couldn't see you?"

Wolfie: "Because I didn't narrate you seeing me."

Miku: "Ri~ght, that totally makes sense... if I beat my skull in with my negi for an hour or so it might actually start to if I'm lucky."

Kaito: "Wolfie! I challenge you to a duel for Miku!"

Wolfie: _Sighing, _"Yes, yes... I know you do. I also know that you are about to be attacked by my friend/rival/personal-pain-in-the-ass Misty."

Kaito: _Spinning round on the spot, _"Where is he?"

Wolfie: _Typing furiously on his laptop, _"In the hole under your feet."

Kaito: "What ho... AHHhhhhhhhhh..."

Miku: "Did you just write that in?"

Wolfie: _Tucking a laptop away into hammer space, _"Of course I did."

Luka: _Peering down the hole, _"Don't we need him for plot progression?"

Wolfie: _Pulls the laptop out again, _"True... there!" _Hits the enter key on his laptop._

_Kaito falls out of the sky, and lands unceremoniously, but still in one piece._

Kaito: "What the hell just happened?"

Wolfie: "I showed you why you should never screw with the guy writing the story... wait what's this?" _Stares at his laptop, _"Shit! I got a virus!"

Miku: "I take it that's bad."

Wolfie: "Nah, not really. I have anti-virus software, it just means I can't start fiddling with the story for a while, until the virus is dealt with. Of course, if someone were to, say, attack me, successfully defeat me and steal my laptop at this instant, I'd be powerless to stop them, and they'd have a relatively easy time breaking into it and taking over my story-verse, but what are the chances of that happening?"

_Everyone laughs at the absurd suggestion.__It is of course at this point that the group have a not-so-random encounter._

Random Girl: "Hello, are you the writer of this story?"

Wolfie: "Yes... wait a sec, who the hell are you? I don't remember writing you in."

Girl: "I'm just a girl..." _Sees Len and Kaito within three metres of each other, _"SQUEEEEE! LENXKAITO FOREVER!"

Wolfie: _His face paling, _"Shit, we have a yaoi fangirl on our hands."

Yaoi fangirl: "Damn, my cover is blown. Yes! I am the queen of Yaoi fangirls. But you can call me Derrick."

Wolfie: _Confused,_ "Derrick? Isn't that a guy's name?"

Derrick: "It's my internet name, 'Satoru,' and just like yours, it doesn't reflect the real me that much at all."

Wolfie: "Actually, Satoru comes from the Japanese for 'to know,' and my intelligence and wisdom scores are quite high." _The kanji for 'Satoru' appears on a blackboard behind Wolfie, along with a full translation and explanation._

Derrick: "Shut up! Now that your laptop has succumbed temporarily to the virus, we can take you down, and turn all your stories into yaoi!"

Wolfie: "At the risk of sounding cliché: you wouldn't!"

Derrick: "Oh yes I would!"

Wolfie: "Oh no you wouldn't!"

Derrick: "Oh yes I would!"

Wolfie: "Oh no you wouldn't!"

Derrick: "Oh yes I would!"

Miku: "Um, you two, if you don't mind could you..."

Wolfie: "Oh no you wouldn't!"

Derrick: "Oh yes I would!"

* * *

_Five hours later..._

Wolfie: _Out of breath, _"Oh no... you... wouldn't!"

Derrick: "Oh... yes I... would!"

Miku: "WOLFIE! Stop it, or else it's the couch for you for a month."

Wolfie: _Now looking at Miku, _"Y-you wouldn't!"

Miku: _Raising a random negi, _"Don't start that again!"

Wolfie: "Sorry..."

Derrick: "Anyway, time for some plot advancement. MINIONS! Seize him!"

_Minions 1 to 4 appear out of nowhere, and grab Wolfie._

Wolfie: "I won't go down without a fight!"

Yaoi fangirl minion 1: "Really? Number 2, use the weapon!"

Yaoi fangirl minion 2: _Takes out a yaoi doujinshi for Higurashi, _"What do you think of SatoshiXKeiichi? Eh?"

Wolfie: _In severe pain, _"How could you? Satoshi and Keiichi are clearly straight!...Well Keichi is at any rate... actually after Higurashi Kira, I'm not so sure any more... but anyway, I wouldn't mind if you took some guys who at least are gay, without having to resort to a terrible OVA series for material that is, but this is inhuman!"

Derrick: "Sorry what was your point again?"

Wolfie: "My point was royally f*** you!"

Yfm 1: "If you don't come quietly, there's more where that came from."

Wolfie: "Shit! Yaoi doujins reduce my powers. I can't fight back, Miku, help me!"

Miku: "What am I supposed to do... wait a second..." _Walks over to Luka, _"Luka, sorry about this..." _Miku quickly forces her lips on Luka._

Derrick: "Wh-what is this?"

Wolfie: "That, Derrick, is yuri!"

Derrick: _Turning to see Wolfie, who has broken free of his captor_s, "You... you shall not get away!"

Wolfie: _Raising a greatsword, of great plot relevance to be discussed later (to be precise, a Soulbreaker Collision Greatsword +5 of Great Plot Relevance), which appeared from nowhere, _"F***ing hell I will!"

Derrick: "No you won't, because..." _Pulls out a screen, and shows it to Wolfie, _"I have enough yaoi for an entire fangirl army! Feel the YAOI!"

Miku: _Breaking off the kiss with Luka, _"Shit, this won't be enough... NO! WOLFIE!"

_Wolfie collapses, as his sword shatters. The Yaoi minions grab him and his laptop, and flee the scene._

Derrick: "Ahahaha, now to put our stereotypically evil plan into action. Soon, all of fanfiction will be taken over by yaoi! Mwahahaha! I will see you girls later." _Disappears in a puff of squee_.

Miku: _Crying, _"Wolfie."

Kaito: "Miku, don't worry, now that he's gone you're a free woman."

Luka: "Kaito, I hate to break it to you, but if those girls manage to break into Wolfie's account, then they'll send yaoi into all his stories. The short of it is that you'll end up *censored* with Len."

Rin: "NO! Len is only allowed to *censored* with me!"

Luka: "That's precisely the problem: these fangirls don't think that Wolfie writes enough, scratch that, any yaoi, and so are going to force it into his fics."

Len: "When you say they 'think' he doesn't write yaoi... he just doesn't. There's zero yaoi in any of his stories..."

Luka: "Precisely my point."

Kaito: "But it's not like Wolfie's the only writer on FF, their plan isn't going to make everyone write yaoi."

Luka: "It may be badly thought though, and clearly messy in execution, and just plain evil rather than effective, but it'll still cause us problems if their plans work."

Miku: "Hang on, won't it mean that Kaito ends up *censored*ing Len, and not trying to do anything to me?"

Luka: "Yes, but Wolfie will probably also lose any interest in girls."

Miku: "F***! We have to save him. We need a plan right now!"

Luka: "Okay, here we go... oh wait, chapter break. Well we'll sort out what we're doing next time then..."

Bis Bald

BW

A/N: I have rewritten this chapter far too many times. It'd better be perfect by now... *waits for someone to point out a tiepo.*


	3. Ch2

Save the Writer, Ch2

_Location,_ _time, date and any other useful information unknown._

Wolfie: _Tied up, with his hands chained to the arms of the chair he has been placed on,_ "So Derrick, you're going to try hacking into my laptop, and then use it to re-write all my stories as yaoi? Seriously, with your rabid hoard of fellow fangirls, could you not have just, I don't know, written some yaoi yourself?"

Derrick: "Yes, but this is more evil!"

Wolfie: "So what? Being evil isn't always the best way to get something done. Trust me, I've tried, and it doesn't always work."

Derrick: "I thought you were lawful neutral."

Wolfie: "With evil tendencies... at least on days with a 't' in them but only one 'a' in them, for some reason I really don't like Tuesdays and Thursdays..."

Derrick: "But anyway, what do you think I should do then?"

Wolfie: _Thinks before answering, _"Let me go, return my laptop, then go buy yourself a shit load of yaoi doujin to share with your friends, and leave my stories alone."

Derrick: "How come I'm leading us and not you? That sounds like a perfect plan!"

Wolfie: "Because I'm a straight male, and thus have no interest in yaoi."

Derrick: "Oh yeah, and that is why, on principle, I can't take your advice."

Wolfie: "Your loss, but I still have writer's privileges. Scene change time!"

Derrick: "No, don't do tha..."

* * *

_Back where we left them, our (supposed) heroes are busy trying to come up with a plan to defeat the yaoi fangirls, with limited success._

Miku: "Okay, what the hell do we do?"

Luka: "We could always put 'Derrick' into the fanfiction search engine..."

Miku: "Luka, willing as I am to try anything right now, I don't think she'd make it that easy for us to find her. Also, I already tried, and it came up with five profiles, no yaoi whatsoever."

Luka: "What about Google?"

Miku: "It comes up with some kind of crane."

Luka: "Wikipedia?"

Miku: "Just give it up."

Kaito: "We could always just wander around until we get a random encounter..."

Miku: "Kaito, shut up."

Kaito: "Yes princess."

Luka: "We need to work out where a yaoi fangirl would be likely to go... or who would know how to defeat one..."

Miku: "Okay, here's my idea, we split into three groups, one group will hunt for some way to defeat the yaoi fangirls, another will search for their base, and the last will... uh... make the tea..."

Luka: "You just don't want to be anywhere near Kaito do you?"

Miku: "You got me."

Meiko: _Appearing from nowhere, _"Fear not, I'm here to keep him in order!"

Miku: "Meiko? Where'd you come from?"

Meiko: "The script in italics says 'from nowhere.'"

Miku: "You know exactly what I meant."

Meiko: "Oh, I was having a drinking party with Haku, but she left, so I came to find you guys. So you're having a problem with yaoi fangirls are you? I conveniently know how you can find them."

Miku & Rin & Len & Luka & Kaito & Random Male Extra Number 2: "HOW?"

Miku: _While Random Male Extra 2 is dragged away, _"Also, how do you know about our predicament? By the fact you appeared from nowhere, it implies you were too far away to hear us, so..."

Meiko: "I heard it down the grape vine."

Miku: "Nice hand-wave there."

Meiko: "Anyway, I don't know exactly how to find them myself, but I know who can tell you. The great prophet of the internet, known to us only as the Server-Master."

Miku: "How do we find him then?"

Meiko: "First, you must find the three great keys of the internet, scattered throughout the many countless areas of the internet... or at least somewhere... they might have been left down the back of someone's sofa... after that certain someone had a bit too much sake..."

Luka: "Okay so where do we need to look?"

Meiko: "First, the Key of Trolls, found within /b/ on 4chan! Second, the Key of XXX, found within the depths of the nearest available H-site! Third, the Key of Anime and Gaming, found within the depths of the Japanese servers! Bring them together at the gate of fandom, and you shall meet with the Server-Master!"

Miku: "Are you sure? This all sounds a little cliché."

Meiko: "I dunno, I might just have ripped off something..."

_Millions of Miles away, Sanguinius, Horus, Leman Russ and Fulgrim sneeze simultaneously._

Horus: "Do you think someone was talking about us?"

Leman: "Probably just ripping off our plot devices. Now who's up for a beer?"

_Back to Meiko..._

Meiko: "...but still, better than what you have at the moment."

Miku: "True... okay! Luka, you and I shall travel to 4chan, Rin and Len, you must go to Japan, and Kaito and Meiko, you two must venture deep into hentai to retrieve the last key."

Kaito: "Me... with her... into an h-site...?"

Miku: _Smiling innocently, _"Yes."

Kaito: "F***!"

Miku: "Couldn't have said it better myself. Well, there is no time to be lost. Len, Rin, don't waste too much time *censored* okay? And Meiko, don't force yourself on Kaito... too much."

Len & Rin: "We won't!" _Run towards a conveniently placed sign saying 'Japan, this way.'_

Luka: "I'm surprised the net is this well signposted. Well Miku, lead the way." _Leaves, following Miku._

Kaito: "So I guess we'd better be going too..." _Shudders, _"Come on then Meiko."

Meiko: "Hehehe, now I have Kaito all to myself!"

Kaito: "Oh shit."

_And so, our (kinda) heros venture off to retrieve the three internet keys. Their fates now in the hands of the server, may they complete their task in one piece and return to their homes blah blah blah... Gods there'd better be a scene change soon, I've got nothing else to narrate._

…

…

…

_Okay, seriously, what's going on here? That arsehole Wolfie's probably just being a dick on purpose, I mean seriously, every time I narrate anything, he just..._

* * *

Wolfie: "A~nd... scene shift!"

Derrick: "How do you do that when you don't even have your laptop."

Wolfie: "I'm the writer, you don't seriously think that without my laptop I'm powerless, do you?"

Derrick: "Then how come you haven't escaped yet?"

Wolfie: "Because, in case you'd forgotten, you've surrounded me with more yaoi than I thought previously possible to fit within a person's view."

Derrick: "Oh yeah, so yaoi weakens you? Isn't that kinda homophobic?"

Wolfie: "No, only yaoi that shouldn't exist given the character's sexual preferences as made clear by their original medium or media weakens me, as it's completely stupid."

Derrick: "And yet you're fine with yuri? Isn't quite a lot of that the same?"

Wolfie: "Yes... but shut up."

Bis Bald

BW


	4. Ch3

Save the Writer, Ch3

_In the depths of the less fashionable areas of the internet, two of our heroes (well one a heroine) venture forth, in search of the Key of XXX._

Kaito: "Why XXX? I mean, it's a stupid name."

Meiko: "'Cause if it had any other name, we'd have to censor it."

Kaito: "Anyway, so where are we?"

Meiko: "Well according to the web address, we're at *censored*.hentai.*censored*.

Kaito: "So we're on the right track?"

Meiko: "Given the copious images all around us of *censored*... I'd say yes"

Kaito: "Is this entire chapter going to be about things which are censored?"

*Censored*: _Appearing out of nowhere, _"Yes."

Kaito: "Who are you?"

*Censored*: "Oh, just another denizen of this site."

Kaito: "Funny, your voice sounds kinda familiar."

*Censored*: "You must be thinking of someone else. Up until this point, I haven't appeared in this story."

Kaito: "Maybe you're right..."

*Censored*: _Muttering to himself, _"Phew... they didn't notice..."

Meiko: "Hey, I don't suppose you know where the Key of XXX is?"

*Censored*: "Oh yeah, you see that building over there, the really tall one, with a big capital 'H' on it? It's in there, just go in and ask for it."

Kaito: "It's that easy? No way are we able to waltz in there and take it just like that."

*Censored*: "Well... it might be a struggle to ask... given who's in there." _Walks off._

Kaito: "O~kay, that was weird. Well let's go."

_The pair approached the building, a huge skyscraper, with 'MIH' above the door in large gold letters. They reached the doors, and they opened before them, to reveal..._

Kaito: "WHY THE HELL IS THERE A MASSIVE ORGY IN HERE?"

Meiko: "This 'is' the centre of an H-site."

_To describe the events in detail would grant this fic an M rating in seconds. So, to keep it clean, we will skirt over the mass of writhing bodies, carefully pixelated by our graphics team (and this really 'is'a graphic scene), to the one person not engaging in any of the 'acts' of the others. This man sat at the top of a flight of stairs, like a king surveying his court on a golden throne. He wore bright red shirt, trousers and hat, with a black waistcoat and tie, and a pair of yellow-tinted sunglasses. Coming out of his shirt pocket was a golden watch-chain._

Kaito: _Carefully avoiding the group on the floor, approaches the solitary figure, _"Uh... excuse me, but what is this place?"

Figure: "This is my domain, MIH: Military Intelligence, division: Hentai. May I introduce myself? I am lord supreme pimp, Illuminati_47, The Bitch King. But you can call me Lumi.

Kaito: "Er... okay... um... We were wondering if we could, possibly, have the key of XXX?"

Lumi: "Oh, you must be the ones from Wolfie's story-zone."

Meiko: "How did you know?"

Lumi: "Wolfie and I are good friends: when he wants a bitch broken, he sends her to me, to do as I like with."

Kaito: "Er... is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with you?"

Lumi: "There's something wrong with both of us."

Kaito: "Right, just checking."

Lumi: "Anyway, with regards to the key, I'll help you get it, as I can't have those yaoi fangirls gaining any power. My people have been warring with them for years. While I'm all for a fair share of all interests, the proportion of yaoi those girls want is far too high."

Kaito: "Is your only priority your porn?"

Lumi: "You're in an H-site, and you bother asking me that?"

Kaito: "A-anyway, where is the key?"

Lumi: "At the top of this tower."

Meiko: "So we just have to go up and grab it? I assume you have a lift."

Lumi: "Well... yes we do..."

Meiko: "Ah there it is!" _Walks towards it._

Lumi: "Don't open that!"

Meiko: _Presses the open door button on the lift. The doors slide open to reveal... _"AH! TENTACLES!"

_A great tentacle beast pulls itself out of the lift, tentacles poised ready to defile any it can reach. Fortunately for Meiko's virginity (haha, great joke there), Lumi jumps into action._

Lumi: "HEY! How many times have I told you, tentacles are to stay on the fifth floor! You are NOT to come down here unless you have special permission."

_The tentacle monster turns all its tendrils to face Lumi, then creeps back into the lift, and presses the '5' button._

Meiko: "O...kay... Maybe we should take the stairs..."

Kaito: "Yeah... I wonder how the others are getting on."

Wolfie: _Out of nowhere,_ "SCENE CHANGE!"

Derrick: "STOP IT!"

* * *

_Somewhere still in the lands of fanfiction, Luka and Miku walk determined. Well, Miku is determined, Luka is wondering where the hell they are going._

Luka: "Miku, I was wondering, as everyone reading may have gathered, where the hell are we going?"

Miku: "Oh, well before we go fight the trolls, I want to pick something up."

Luka: "What?"

Miku: "You'll see."

_The pair approach a massive building. It is a giant futuristic fortress, towering over them._

Luka: "What is this?

Miku: "It's the place Wolfie made for me in case of an emergency. Inside is a null-fic area, protecting anything in it from any direct effects of a writer, including Wolfie. It's a bastion, created to enable me to protect myself from any of Wolfie's enemies who seize his laptop. It even includes a negi-dispencer."

Luka: "Right... that sounds highly protective... and a little creepy."

Miku: "Oh~ you think so. I think it's just 'cause he cares, like why he's got those posters of me, and he even has a negi phone-strap."

Luka: "Okay, that's just downright obsessive and strange."

Miku: _Looking slightly put-out, _"It's just because he loves me..."

Luka: _Sighing, _"Still, you have to admit, it's a little strange."

Miku: "We~ll, maybe a little. But with that Kaito out to get me, it's not surprising that he's rather protective."

Luka: "Have it your way."

Miku: "Anyway, it's not like you and Gakupo aren't a little like that."

Luka: _Blushing, _"W-well..."

_Cut to a scene of Luka staring into Gakupo's bedroom, which is filled with Luka-related merchandise._

Gakupo: _In the room, staring at Luka in shock _"It... It's not what it looks like!"

Luka: _Blushing deeply, and looking sweetly at Gakupo,_ "Oh... Gakkun..."

Gakupo: "Er... Luka?"

_Cut back._

Luka: "Okay... you may, possibly, have a point."

_The two enter the building, and walk through the futuristic, space-ship type, metal-plated corridors, until they reach a large metal door. Miku enters a code into a lock, and it opens, to reveal a large room, full of flashing lights and monitors: the perfect place to observe the outside. And sitting on a chair in the centre is..._

Luka: "You?"

Miku: "Oh god... I don't believe this..."

Misty, (Wolfie's personal pain-in-the-backside and best friend): "Ah, Miku. I'm sorry to hear about Wolfie. Although, being surrounded by all that yaoi might finally pull him out of the closet."

Miku: "First: why are you here? Second: how did you get into, supposedly, the most secure location in fanfiction? Third: why are you implying my husubandu is gay?"

Misty: "I'm here because Wolfie will want me to help you guys, I got in because Wolfie set things up so that I could in an emergency, which this qualifies as, and I'm implying that Wolfie is 'bisexual' because it annoys you, and him, so much."

Miku: "Okay then, so how are you planning to help?"

Misty: "Well, by hopping between the three storylines at random intervals and helping you guys out however you need. Much as we like not to give the impression, Wolfie and I do actually care a little about each other's well-being."

Miku: "So, what help are you giving us?"

Misty: "Ah, well I assume you know about the secret, extremely OP and highly plot-relevant weapon, which we haven't mentioned until now, that Wolfie told you to use only in an emergency."

Miku: "No, actually, I just came here to kill time. Of course I frigging do!"

Misty: "Well here it is, or should I say, they are." _Chucks a bag at Miku._

Miku: "What is this?" _Sticks her hand in the bag, and pulls out a futuristic-looking bracelet, of grey metal with a glowing pulse of bluish green running through the middle, moving along a black screen._

Luka: "There's one for me too, only it's pink..."

Miku: "And a pair of yellow one, a blue one and a red one... so I guess we put them on?"

Misty: "You guess correctly, but only one, and only your own."

Miku: "Right, that makes sense... but how're the twins supposed to tell theirs apart?"

Misty: _Scratches his head, _"Wolfie didn't explain that... we'll probably just pass over that little detail later."

Miku: "Oh well." _Puts the bracelet on, _"Now what?"

Misty: "Sing, apparently."

Miku: "But which song? Wolfie's favourite?" _Begins singing 'World is Mine.'_

_The bracelet glows brightly, but then dims._

Miku: "That felt like it was going to work..."

Misty: "Ah, well, your weapon isn't quite complete yet, due to you not being far enough through the plot... I mean because the handwavium parts need time to synchronise with your particular lampshade-signature."

Miku: "What the flying f*** are you talking about?"

Misty: "Oh, just some technobabble, to confuse the readers into not asking for an explanation."

Miku: "Okay, anyway... So... weapons... hm... I got it!" _Stands back from the other two, _"Black Rock Shooter... Wherever did you go?"

_A green light engulfs the trio._

* * *

Wolfie: "A~nd chapter end, on a cliffhanger of sorts."

Derrick: "Oh for f***'s sake, how can you still be in control?"

Wolfie: "Because I can."

Bis Bald

BW


	5. Ch4

Save the Writer! Ch4

_In the middle of Miku's fortress, the glowing green turns darker, and then fades away._

Luka: "Miku! What in the name of the internet happened to you?"

_Miku's hair has turned black, and her left arm is now covered by an obscenely large canon of dark steel. Her clothes have changed from her usual shirt and skirt to a black bra, black short shorts and a torn black coat., with long black boots. Her eyes had turned blue as the sky, and black chains ran along her body, coiling round her arms._

Miku: "I am..." _A blue flame burst from her left eye, _"Black Rock Shooter."

Misty: "Ah, Wolfie, you've outdone yourself with that weapon."

Black Rock Shooter/Miku: "I feel... strange."

Luka: "What sort of strange?"

BRS/Miku: "I don't feel an unnatural craving for negi!"

Luka: "That's strange for you?"

Miku: "What about you and tuna?"

Luka: "Okay, fair point."

Miku: "But my desire to eat negi has been replaced by a desire to kick ass of the troll kind. Let's go Luka!"

Misty: "No thanks for me then?"

Miku: "Of course not. Wolfie'll thank you eventually... probably"

Misty: "He doesn't usually."

Miku: "Oh, well there's a first time for everything, right?"

Misty: "I suppose."

Miku: "Okay! Off we go!"

_Miku runs off towards the exit. Luka begins to follow, but turns at the door._

Luka: "Hey, Misty, catch!" _Chucks the bag of 'weapons' to Misty, _"Give these to the others will you?"

Misty: _Sighing,_ "Sure."

Luka: "Thanks!" _runs after Miku._

Derrick: "Finally, I gagged Wolfie. Now he can't declare the scene shifts! Now: Scene Change!"

_Nothing happens._

Derrick: "What the hell! **SCENE CHANGE!**"

_Nothing happens._

Derrick: "What? But I even bolded it..."

Wolfie: _Laughing through gag, _"Schene schange!"

* * *

Len: "Oh Rin!"

Rin: "Len!"

Len: "RIN!"

Rin: "LEN!"

_*Ahem!* Let's skip five minutes..._

Rin: _Fixing her skirt, _"Okay, time to get going again little brother!"

Len: "Yes onee-san."

_Gods Rin, why the little brother fetish?_

Rin: "But he's such an adorable little brother, how could I _not _have a fetish?"

Len: "Um... I'll take that to be a complement."

Rin: "Of course it is silly!"

_Anyway, the two continued onward towards the Japanese servers._

Len: "So once we're there, how're we going to find the key?"

Rin: "I dunno, I was hoping that it'd be signposted or something."

Len: "Ri~ght." _Spots a signpost saying 'Key of Anime and Gaming, this way,' _"Okay, maybe it is."

Rin: "I told you so!"

Len: "Yes... your logic, if you can call it that, seems to be remarkable."

Rin: "Len, remember who out of us owns a road-roller!"

Len: "Me, but you constantly borrow it without asking, and then crash it, leaving me to pay on my insurance."

Rin: "Oh yeah..."

* * *

Kaito: "Okay, so, we've just got to climb to the top of this tower, avoiding all the 'delights' that there are on each floor."

Lumi: "Pretty much. Although some of them are quite tempting, I mean, on the 13th floor there are furries..."

Meiko: "How many floors does this place have exactly?"

Lumi: "A lot, let's just leave it at that."

Kaito: "No, let's not, I want to know how much climbing we've got to do."

Lumi: "About... 500 floors. One for each major genre of hentai."

Kaito: "5...500?!"

Lumi: "Yes."

Kaito: "Well, we'd better get climbing."

Meiko: "Good thing I packed some sake!"

_Ten floors later._

Meiko: "Okay... this is monotonous."

Kaito: "Seriously, maybe we should try the lift again."

Lumi: "I suppose it might be safe."

_Kaito steps over to the lift, and presses the button to open the doors._

Kaito: "Wh-what is this thing?"

Chewbacca: "Waaaagh!"

Meiko: "Why has Star Wars invaded?"

Lumi: "That's... not exactly what's happened. But even if it were, rule 34."

Kaito: "Hang on, does that mean...?"

Lumi: "Yes, there is, somewhere in here, hentai of you. Floor 456 to be exact."

Kaito: "Shit... but hang on, is it MeXMiku?"

Lumi: "If there was any, Wolfie would have destroyed it, along with all the rest of the Miku hentai he found... well apart from the stuff he kept."

Kaito: "Noooooo!"

Chewbacca: "Waaaaagh!"

Lumi: "Yes chewy, Wolfie hates anybody who tries to take away his waifu, and will smite them with the power of the writer."

Kaito: "On second thoughts, I don't want to save him."

Lumi: "So you want to *censored* with Len?"

Kaito: "On third thoughts, let's go."

Chewy: "Waaagh... waagh, waaaa!"

Lumi: "There's something behind us?" _Turns around._

Kaito: "Oh my god, it's..."

* * *

_Elsewhere, Miku and Luka are surfing the web, trying to find a way into 4chan without being noticed. Which is difficult, as Miku still has the massive gun on her arm._

Miku: "Ah! A link!" _Clicks it... how I don't know, but she does._

_The pair are transported to a place with a cream background, and nothing else._

Luka: "Where the hell are we?"

Mysterious text: '4chan of course.'

Miku: "We got into /b/. Yes!"

Text: 'No actually, you got into /c/.'

Miku: "It's obviously /b/, I mean it even says so in the web address."

Text: 'It lies.'

Miku: "No it doesn't!"

Luka: "Miku, I think that's a troll."

Miku: "Aha! In that case..." _Raises the gun on her arm, _"I'll kill the bastard!"

_Miku fires repeatedly at the text, but the text seems unharmed. A giant trollface appears at the bottom, and the text swirls around it, forming a body, with the trollface moving to the head._

Miku: "What is that?"

Troll: "You've been trolled!"

Miku: "Shit!" _Fires repeatedly, but the troll takes no damage._

Luka: "Okay, time to fight." _Puts bracelet on, _"Japanese Ninja No.1!"

_Luka's bracelet glows bright pink, expanding out to fill the screen._

* * *

Wolfie: "And... call it there!"

Derrick: "So whatever I do, you'll always be calling the chapter endings and scene shifts?"

Wolfie: "Yup, that's about right."

Derrick: "Great."

Wolfie: "Anyway, thanks for helping Miku back there Misty!"

Misty: "You actually thanked me? Wow, Miku was right..."

Derrick: _Surprised by Misty's appearance, _"How did you get in here?"

Misty: "It'll be explained next chapter."

Wolfie: "So, you've given Miku and Luka their bracelets."

Misty: "Yes, how did you know?"

Wolfie: "Whenever my Miku sings, I can hear it."

Misty: "Ri~ght."

Wolfie: "Anyway, that's it for this chapter, see you guys next time."

Bis Bald

BW


	6. Ch5

Save the Writer! Ch5

Kaito: "Yaoi fangirls?!"

Yaoi Fangirl Fighter: "YES! We have come to stop you in your TRACKs! You shall not stop the YAOI!"

Kaito: "That sentence contained far too many exclamation marks and capital letters."

Yaoi Fangirl Wizard: "That's true, Yaoi fangirl fighter, you don't need to emphasise things so much."

YFF: "Oh SHUT UP!"

Yaoi Fangirl Rogue: "Guys, maybe we should actually, I dunno, fight these guys."

Yaoi Fangirl Cleric: "Yeah, YFF, do you think you could swallow your annoying shouting for three seconds?"

Yff: "Well I'm sorry, just 'cause I took 'shout loudly' as one of my ridiculous number of FEATS! I was only trying to emulate Dlannor A. KNOX! The exclamation marks are an unfortunate EXTRA!"

YFW: "Anyway, maybe we should kill these gu..." _Turns to attack the vocaloids and company, only to discover they have disappeared._

Kaito: "Good thing they were unobservant, and let us escape into the lift."

_The group hear a banging, and the lift stops. The doors open to reveal the yaoi fangirls._

Kaito: "What the... how did you catch up?"

YFW: "Dimension Door, it's a handy spell, and by the way, we're in rounds."

Meiko: "Any idea how to beat these guys Lumi?"

Lumi: "Uh... well, I could always... I know!" _A look of concentration passes over his face, then a blindingly bright light fills the area._

* * *

_In 4chan, the pink light around Luka fades away, revealing her now in a black kimono, with twin knives clutched in her hands._

Ninja Luka: "Now this is kinda cool!"

Miku: "Great, but in that transformation sequence, I killed the troll."

Luka: "What?! How?"

Miku: "It turns out that the weak point of the trolls is, unsurprisingly, the head, or face, whatever you want to call it."

Luka: "Well... that was a let-down."

Miku: "I wouldn't worry, after all..." _A flurry of black text flows all around the message board, _"We'll have plenty to deal with. Here comes Anonymous!"

_The text takes the forms of countless trolls, each growing a trollface as they reach their full height. They begin their advance on the two figures standing in the centre._

Miku: "Luka, you ready?"

Luka: "If I'm not, what happens?"

Miku: "I would say hit alt and f4, but I don't think that'll work somehow."

Luka: "To me, it sounds like a briliant idea."

Miku: "Yeah, but that'd prevent us from having a single decent action scene any time soon."

Luka: "Fair enough, well, let's go!"

_The pair leap into action against the trolls._

* * *

Len: "God, Rin, did you really have to leap on me as soon as the scene shifted away. Kaito and Meiko are the ones on the h-site."

Rin: "I just wanted to play with my little brother!"

_*Ahem* Rin, can you please stop randomly *censored*ing with Len? It slows the story down with sex jokes._

Rin: "Don't you mean *censored* jokes?"

_Er... no. *Censored* has far worse connotations than just sex._

Rin: "Right... maybe we should leave this here."

_That's what Len said, before you forced him to..._

Rin: "I SAID, maybe we should leave this here!"

_Right, right, let's get on with the story then._

Len: "About time."

_The pair continue adventuring through the server, looking for the key._

Rin: "He~re key, key, key! He~re key, key, key!"

Len: "Sis, I don't think that'll work somehow."

Rin: "Who's the one that got us this far with the signs?"

Len: _Mumbling barely audibly, _"Well I suppose it was you."

Rin: "Right, so we do things my way! He~re key, key, key! He~re key, key, key!"

Len: "Why me? Why? Why is it I who is stuck with a sister who doesn't realize that keys are non-sentient?"

Key of Anime and Gaming: "Who said we all were?"

Len: "You are f***ing kidding me."

_The key, a floating blob of pixels, forms into the shape of a young woman._

Key: "Well hello there young shota, it's nice to meet you."

Len: _Noticing Rin's rising fury, _"Er... hello."

Key: "Oh~ squee! You're so cute!"

Rin: "You're not a yaoi fangirl are you?"

Key: "No, I'm just a shotacon, and your brother here is a shotacon."

Len: "Why do the Japanese have to use the same word to mean two different things?"

Key: "Actually, that's an American and English thing, the Japanese only used to use it for a person with a fetish."

Rin: "Also, why are you attacking Japan, given that we are Japanese?"

Len: "Er... well..."

Key: "Hm... you aren't so bad young lady."

Rin: "You neither."

_The pair high-five._

Key's thoughts: 'Now I've garnered her trust, I can make my move on the cute guy without her suspecting, and then...'

Len: "Rin, why is she just standing there doing nothing?"

Rin: "She's doing a Nale... I mean having an inner monologue, give her a moment."

* * *

_Luka throws stars through several trollfaces, while Miku sends a single blast straight through a long line. The two land, panting heavily._

Miku: "I make that my 57th."

Luka: "I'm on 54."

Miku: "Shit, how many more of these things are there?"

Luka: _Counts quickly, _"Er... I lost count at two-hundred and something, and it's increasing."

Miku: "Shit!"

Misty: _Appearing out of a mysterious black hole, which then disappears as soon as he's out of it,_ "Don't worry, I'm here to help!"

Miku: "How the hell did you get here?!"

Misty: "I travelled through a plot-hole. There are so many at the moment, it's easy to get just about anywhere within Wolfie's story verse."

Miku: "That's all very nice, but how are you planning to help us."

Misty: "Like this." _A laptop appears in front of him._

Miku: "That's... a writer's laptop?"

Misty: "Precisely. Now, unfortunately, this being Wolfie's story-verse, I only have a few permissions. But I can certainly make this easier for you." _Starts typing furiously._

Miku: "This'd better work." _Leaps into the air again, the gun on her arm reforming into a sword._

Misty: _Typing so fast his fingers are a blur, _"Give her insane speed, grant her weapon an energy pulse to release when swung. Grant her god-like reactions... and... ENTER!"

_Miku becomes a blur as Misty hits the enter key. The blur of teal flies around the area, and trolls collapse left right and centre, as pulses of energy, the same shade as the blur, wipe through dozens of trolls at once. Soon, there is only one left, fleeing for the escape button. But Miku lands on his shoulder, the gun returned to its original structure._

Miku: "Troll this." _She fires at point blank. The troll explodes in a suitable final-enemy-from-a-movie style._

Misty: "Phew... I never knew I could type that fast." _His laptop starts to smoke, _"Oh shit."

_The laptop explodes, the pieces scattering across the area._

Miku: "Looks like we're out of writer-aided assistance. But how did you write inside Wolfie's story-zone?"

Misty: "Ah, well I have editor permissions. I sometimes proof-read his stuff."

Miku: "Right... well it looks like you need a new laptop."

Misty: "Yeah, I'll go get one then." _Jumps through another plot-hole._

Luka: "Well, at least there aren't any more of..."

_A loud crashing sounds behind them._

Luka: "...them... Seriously, timing people, timing!"

Miku: "Er... At the risk of sounding cliché... Luka, look behind you."

_Luka turns, and see a massive construct of text, towering miles over them. At the very top, they can just make out a trollface._

Luka: "Shit."

* * *

Wolfie: "Ah, another cliffy."

Derrick: "You gave Misty editorial permissions?"

Wolfie: "Well normally, I can just overwrite anything he does, but _someone _had to go and steal my laptop."

Derrick: "Well I still haven't managed to hack into it yet. Pain in the ass this security stuff, and I though that virus I sent you would take you down completely."

Wolfie: "Yeah, well you evidently failed completely."

Derrick: "Shut up!"

Wolfie: "Ah well, no point trying to reason with him."

Bis Bald

BW


	7. Ch6

Save the Writer! Ch6

_In MIH headquarters, floor 23. The bright light surrounding Lumi fades, revealing... nothing much._

Kaito: "What the hell was that about? You did nothing."

Lumi: "Hey, complain to Wolfie. You know how Misty has the power to turn into mist? I get the power to turn into light. It's good for blinding people, but that's about it, and it seems these girls managed to close their eyes in time."

Meiko: "Great, everybody role initiative."

_Turn order: Yf Rogue, Yf Cleric, Yf Wizard, Yf Fighter, Kaito, Meiko, Lumi, Misty._

Kaito: "Wait, Misty?"

Misty: "Yup! I jumped through a plot-hole."

Meiko: "A plot-hole?"

Misty: "Yes, don't ask. Anyway, I brought you these." _Chucks a blue bracelet at Kaito, and a red one at Meiko._

Kaito:"What the heck are these?"

Misty: "Just put the damn thing on and start singing something!"

Meiko: "Change me!" _A red light surrounds her, and when it fades, Meiko is wielding two empty sake bottles, and her clothes have gained several studs._

Kaito: "Um... Cantarella..."

_His bracelet glows with a blue aura, which rises up, and takes the form of Wolfie... a very angry Wolfie._

Image of Wolfie: "Kaito! That was a bad move!"

_The bracelet flies off Kaito's arm, and ends up on Misty's._

Misty: "I get this one? Cool!"

Image of Wolfie: "Seeing as you helped Miku out last chapter, you can have it. Now..." _Disappears back into the bracelet._

Misty: "Okay, now what should I sing to start this up?"

Voice of Wolfie: _Speaking from the bracelet, _"Just use the emergency override button."

Misty: "You installed an emergency override button?"

Voice of Wolfie: "Only on your one because, let's face it, I couldn't trust Kaito not to screw up."

Misty: "Fair enough. Now let's kick some ass!"

YfRogue: "Actually, we all get to go first, and you're flat-footed."

Meiko: "Actually, by transforming, I got an initiative bonus of +20. So add that on... I think I get to go first." _Runs up to the rogue, and hits with both bottles._

_YfR takes 2d6+4 damage. YfR's turn, attacks Meiko, inflicts d6+2 damage._

Misty: "This could take a while."

* * *

Miku: _Dodging a fist as the giant troll attacks,_ "Okay, any bright ideas?"

Luka: _Jumping to the side of one of the monster's feet. _"I dunno. Oh, and by the way, your hair's gone back to green, instead of black. I wonder how that happened."

Miku: "Continuity error from last chapter. Look carefully, and I'm a teal blur, not a black one."

Luka: "So it's just because Wolfie made a mistake?"

Miku: "Yeah, I mean, he might now work it into a plot point, but it started off as a mistake."

_Actually, I've been working on that Miku, and have worked it into a plot point which you'll be rather glad of._

Miku: _Dodging again, _"Well you'd better tell me quickly, or I won't be able to be glad for very long."

_Well, you see, as mentioned earlier, your bracelet, unlike the others I might add, has the ability to evolve, enabling you to use more powerful attacks etcetera. Your hair changing colour was the signal for that._

Miku: "So you're telling me that I can get something better than a gun the size of my body?"

_Yes, that's about the size of it._

Miku: "Okay then, what song?"

_Take a guess._

Miku: "Erm... Love is War?"

_The familiar green light surrounds Miku. This time, when it fades, the gun is still strapped to her arm, but her clothes and hair are back to normal, and her eyes are glowing a deep red. In her free hand, she holds a megaphone. She looks up at the troll, and grins an evil grin._

Luka: "Oh, shit."

* * *

_Meanwhile, millions of miles away... people are being shot for excessively referencing a certain abridged series... oh, and some stuff's happening to Rin and Len..._

Key of Anime and Gaming: "Oh~ Len, the perverts here are scary!"

Rin: "Hey, hands off my boy!"

Key: "He may be your brother, but that far from makes him yours!"

Rin: "Well he damn well is!"

Key: "Oh, do you have a receipt?"

Rin: "I don't need one! He's mine! He even has my name written on his label!"

Key: "You put a label on him?"

Rin: "Yes dammit!"

Len: "Do I get any say in this matter?"

Key & Rin: "No!"

Len: "Pity, I'd choose Rin anyway."

Key: "But she abuses you the whole time, and virtually rapes you!

Len: "Precisely."

Key: "What? Are you a masochist or something?"

Len: "No, but I love her enough not to mind her repeated beatings, and abuse, and borderline-rape."

Rin: "I'm not sure whether that statement made me happy or not."

Len: "Please just take it as a compliment. Please! I don't want to be beaten again!"

Key: "You really love her that much?"

Len: "Yeah, why else would I stick it through all the stuff she does to me... well, the sex is good..."

Rin: "Le~n, would you like me to push you into the hole you just dug for yourself, or do you want to dig it deeper?"

Len: "Eeek!"

* * *

Derrick: "Finally! I've hacked into your laptop!"

Wolfie: "You mean you finally found the 'on' button."

Derrick: "Hey, let me have my moment before dashing it, please!"

Wolfie: "Now you just have to hack through the ridiculous security that I installed for a laugh. Never thought it would actually come in useful."

Derrick: "Great, well I'd better get started... ah, the first password."

Wolfie: "You'll never guess it."

Derrick: "Hm..." _Typing as he speaks, _"M-i-k-u-i-s-a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Enter."

_The screen flashes up, "Password recognised."_

Wolfie: "As I said, I didn't think I'd ever actually need the security."

Derrick: "Okay, the next password... M-i-k-u-i-s-h-o-t. Enter!"

_"Password incorrect."_

Wolfie: "Phew, one you won't guess."

Derrick: "Oh really? Recovery questions time!"

Wolfie: "Let's leave that for next chapter..."

Bis Bald

BW


End file.
